The struggle is real

In a world where transition, challenges and change are apart of our everyday existence, somedays I find it increasingly hard to smile. Screw it, not just hard to smile, but hard to focus on anything other than my all important brain, hard to come to a place of stillness or just commit to a moment of calm.

Technically, this is why we have a yoga practice. We hope to practice enough and have it be so much apart of our daily lives that when things are hard our “yoga tools” that we have been honing are within reach. If our medicine is in the attic and all dusty, we aren’t going to rush up and get it when we are depressed. It needs to be close by. So we keep practicing when we can, asana, meditation, breath, mindfulness.

What they forget to tell you is that even if you have your practice working strong, sometimes, when you need it, when you are alone, it’s the last thing you want to reach for. Getting your brain to slow down feels like an impossible task that isn’t worth even trying to do.

I just want you to know that I understand. I understand that making these changes isn’t easy. As a teacher, I get scared that I’m a fraud. I want people to be able to have less anxiety and find their spirit and live an authentic life, but somedays, some weeks, I’m lucky to even get myself to walk outside my apartment. Sometimes the mere idea of picking myself up feels like the job of an entire army. I’m terrified that this life and awareness I am trying to grasp will always be on the other side of the ocean. And if I get there, I’ll realize maybe that it was a mirage and it’s closer to where I started.

I wish this story had a point. But I think the point is, that this is where I am today. Today I’m barely hanging on. And that’s reality. Most importantly, that’s ok. It’s ok because this is being human. We were given intense brains as a blessing and a curse.

Life’s journey isn’t easy, I don’t know what it will look like around the corner, I really want to know. I want to know I’ll be ok, that I’ll feel safe, that I’ll have light and love surrounding me. But when I pause for a moment, I realize, that right now, I am safe. I am ok and if I focus hard enough I can feel light and love.

A few years ago that would have been too much for me to see. Today I can feel broken, but I also know that I am ok that way. That might be one of the biggest things yoga has given me. We are moving towards neutral hips, moving towards having our heels on the ground, moving towards a straight leg. We may never actually get all those things, but we will get closer. There are days where you will have a step back, but you are still moving in the direction if you keep showing up. I am moving towards calm, and inner peace. Today feels like a step back, Heck, this whole month has, But I keep showing up. That’s what I’m most grateful for today. Closing my eyes for a long meditation might be too much for me today, but letting myself focus on my breathing as I feel my heart beat might be more of my way today and I’m ok with that. Today is hard. The next good day I have will be better because today was hard. I’m so blessed to have people who love me and so lucky that I haven’t given up yet. Let’s keep showing up. And please know, that other people out there are struggling too. We are all in this together, so you don’t have to put on a happy face. Just be you, today.